Team 137 - Game 1 - Michigan vs Hawaii
/Ladies and Gentlemen … Girls and Boys … Blue Nation ... it’s time, once again. The summer air is clearing and school lockers ‘round the nation are filling with books, binders and enhanced iPhone battery packs for extended life for PokemonGo play (for fuck's sake, is this what our country has come to?).
And in that glorious place called Ann Arbor, the boys in winged helmets are readying their cleats … students are back on campus and the leaves are just weeks away from turning. Michigan football is back and the entire community anxiously awaits its first walk down Stadium Way – destination: The Big House. Who’s got it better than us? Nobody!
The off-season has been busy, and that’s an understatement. We’ve watched Peyton win a Super Bowl and ‘Nova capture March Madness; Lebron brought Cleveland its first title in 54 years, and Rio’s Olympics have come and gone faster than Ryan Lochte can ruin a professional endorsement career.
Sorry for the short detour, but what a dumbass! I mean, the guy works for his entire life just to get on the cover of a cereal box, his beach-bum/blonde-bimbo attitude has him more dumb-jock-ready than a High School Musical extra and his platinum hair is ready for Primetime … and then he shits the bed on some ridiculous gas-station-vandalism escapade more embarrassing than Hope Solo’s poor-loser tirade. Dumbass.
But fall is just around the corner and back-to-school season is in full gear – and I’m fucking exhausted … already! Back-to-school picnic … back-to-school orientation … Meet the Teachers Night … Class Coffees … Kindergarten Class Party … are you kidding me? It’s enough. And by the way, what happened to waiting until after Labor Day before starting with back-to-school shenanigans? I’m sorry, but I don’t do Class Coffees in my white linen pants, and my Mom told me I can wear them until Labor Day. Take my kids and let’s get the routine back in place, I’m all for that … but for the love of all things all-white, please just take my money and don’t expect my attendance at next week’s Meet-the-New-Assistant-Lower-School-Science-Teacher-Organic-and-Gluten-Free-Pancake Breakfast!
As we pack up our things from lakes and mountains, from family travel and overnight camps, we oftentimes reflect on the state of our own particular universe … for many of us, we are reminded of our appreciation for what we have … family, health, happiness, Michigan football.
Coach Harbaugh is no exception. Sure, he spent some time innovating his business model over the summer vacation (no doubt he pissed off many an SEC coach when he showed up to host spring practice in Florida at the IMG Academy … how much do we love this guy, by the way!?!?), but he also took a deep breath to consider his own situation … and the piece he penned for The Players Tribune while sipping ice-cold lemonade on his Ann Arbor porch evidences that fact. His conversation-starter: “Who’s got it better than us?” His conclusion: “Nobody.”
Damn straight … NOBODY. THIS IS MICHIGAN. Anybody who read the article and didn’t get goose bumps has an Urban Meyer bobblehead lodged just a bit too far up their ass. Brothers Jimmy and John grew up appreciating the simple things in life … having their Mom, each other, a basketball to bounce on long walks and Michigan football to hold close and cherish … to guide them down the path of life. Coach Jimmy has found comfort back in his old ‘hood, this time as a father and coach himself. He appreciates the happiness that comes with simplicity – a concept that resonates with many of us living in badass metropolis meccas like NY and LA who sometimes thrive for the simplicity of a family walk for ice cream on an early fall night.
And when it comes to Michigan football, the question-and-answer rubric is a perfect fit. Who’s got it better than us? Nobody.
Coach acknowledged it himself at a press conference … he’s ready for action, and Blue Nation is with him. Michigan football is back … let’s get it on.
Big Blue 2015 Recap
Michigan football had gone 46 and 42 under two different generals since Lloyd Carr coached his final game that New Year’s Day in 2008, and the walk down Stadium Way on fall Saturdays had become, well, lonely. Big Blue’s status among college-football’s elite had dwindled -- it had become a shitshow steeped in a clusterfuck, all wrapped inside a trainwreck, for soooo long. And my OSU acquaintances were starting to get really fucking annoying.
And then on December 30, 2014, Michigan announced the hiring of its 20th Head Football Coach – James Joseph Harbaugh. Yes, we got our man … and yes, it had an immediate impact.
Team 136 got off to an inauspicious start … slow and unimpressive in Salt Lake City, the boys opened with a 24-17 loss at Utah. But Harbaugh and company gained steam as the campaign continued … an impassioned five-game win streak then led to excitement levels The Big House hasn’t seen since Shoeless Denard Robinson scored the winning TD with two seconds left in the first-ever night game at Michigan Stadium. But a crushing home defeat at the hands of Sparty killed our mojo, and then Coach Fuckermeyer brought his Buckeyes to Ann Arbor and trounced Big Blue, 42-13. Michigan finished 10-3 overall (6-2 in the Big Ten) and earned a berth in the Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl where it absolutely destroyed Florida 41-7. Team 136 went out on a strong note -- the team, the team, the team.
Coach Harbaugh took over a team that posted only five wins in its previous season -- without doubt one of the worst squads in the modern Michigan era. But the program is getting comfortable in its new khakis, and my OSU friends have somehow grown less noisy of late. Yes, it’s still transition time in Ann Arbor, as the program still carries significant legacy liabilities from the Fat Man, but expectations are high in the land of Zingerman's.
And if the massive on-field turnaround wasn’t enough, Harbaugh then hooked the fifth-best recruiting class in the country (highlighted by the nation’s top player in defensive tackle Rashan Gary) … and he wasn’t done. Next he decided that he would forego the typical glossy welcome brochure but instead host an ESPN-quality production called Signing of the Stars, live from Hill Auditorium to welcome the newest Wolverines to the program.
The event was emceed by none other than our friend, Randy Sklar. And by the way, for those who haven’t been following the duo since leaving campus in 1994 (back when stand-up comedy didn't happen on Twitter), these guys have proven how a Michigan education can land you cameo appearances on Entourage , Curb Your Enthusiasm and, of course, Mighty Med – once a fan favorite at Casa Carson. Although for those truly in the know, some of the Sklar brothers’ best work clearly came during this spring’s National Spelling Bee, when they hosted the NFL Network's mock spelling bee – yes, starring some of LA’s most promising young talent. These guys have been all-stars since campus days, and bringing their game to Michigan football is a win-win for everyone involved. Keep it up, fellas, as we love the work!
Sorry, back to the gridiron … young talent joins a team of returning studs, and Team 137 is ready for duty. Big Blue enters the campaign #7 and #8 in the AP and Coaches Polls, respectively, and brings with it an elite defense, powerful weapons on offense and a head coach who’s crazy enough to do whatever it takes to win. Expectations are high, and everyone’s watching. And with the new season, Michigan has a new look and feel by way of a new NIKE deal.
The NIKE deal, by the way, doesn’t just have Michigan football wearing the swoosh; no, Michigan is joining the Jordan brand and will be the first football team to wear the Jumpman. The best ever to have played his game, Jumpman stands for excellence, inspiration, and bad-ass domination -- it looks fitting next to the Block M. The gear is off-the-charts ... and the timing of the transition to Phil Knight's world coincides perfectly with the establishment of Harbaugh at the UM helm. NIKE / GO BLUE! ... Who's got it better than us? Nobody!
As we return to football, putting aside what a long strange trip it’s been, Big Blue brings Uncle Mo with it heading into this year’s slate, which features a less-than-threatening non-conference schedule followed by back-to-back Big Ten match-ups with Penn State and Wisconsin. Yes, road trips to both East Lansing and Columbus loom (UM is 2-14 against those two foes since Lloyd Carr retired), but it’s a long time to November … one step at a time … Keep It Together … K.I.T. Keep It Together.
Big Ten Update
As for the Big Ten, the conference finished the season with three teams in the Top 10 (Michigan State, Iowa and Ohio State), each of whom ended up in the New Year’s Six. Sparty and the Hawkeyes got crushed in their bowl games, while OSU saved face with a win against Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl. Michigan routed Florida, 41-7 in the Citrus Bowl.
The Big Ten finished with six 10-win teams and a 5-5 record in the postseason … expect those numbers to improve this year. While OSU has to replace nine starters who left early for the NFL Draft (I know, can’t imagine why anyone would want to leave Columbus on the earlier train), Urban Meyer still has J.T. Barrett and he re-stacks almost as well as that former Big Ten guy down in Tuscaloosa. Iowa returns several key pieces from last year’s team and Wisconsin won 10 games in Paul Chryst’s first year (Northwestern also won 10 games, by the way) … and oh yeah, that forgotten program down in Champaign-Urbana hired former Chicago Bears HC Lovie Smith in the off-season, which have some peeps excited about the Fighting Illini’s prospects.
The Big Ten should show strong once again … but let’s be honest, show of hands … who else already has the poo poo platter ready for the Harbaugh /Meyer showdown at The Horseshoe in late November? Giddeyup!
Ok, it’s time for some football. Not surprisingly, Harbaugh has been active in the off-season, moving all sorts of pieces around the chessboard to get Team 137 ready to compete. A quick overview of what we’ve done and where we are before we move to Team 137’s first victim: the University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors.
UM 2016 Season Preview
The Michigan Offense
Harbaugh is a Big Ten guy and therefore depends on the power run game to set up the pass every day of the week and twice on Sunday – he got it from Bo and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon.
Big Blue’s rushing attack has a heard of cats ready for action … it will be anchored by Sr. De’Veon Smith, who rushed for 753 yards last season – the second-best rushing total for a UM back since 2008. Smith is a capable back who can get the job done and perhaps cross the 1,000-yard mark, even if he does fly under the radar screen in the offensive schematic. Ty Isaac, Drake Johnson and true freshman Kareem Walker also will be in the mix for carries, and I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them attracts some attention as the campaign gets underway.
The big question on offense is at QB, where inquiring minds want to know who’s going to end up as the go-to guy under center. Jr. Wilton Speight appeared to be the frontrunner earlier this spring, but University of Houston transfer John O’Korn brings two years of big-ball experience and has caught Jimbo’s eye of late. Old-hag Shane Morris is trying to hang on, and Frosh Brandon Peters anxiously awaits any open door, knowing that his time will come.
The Wolverines are stacked with big, explosive receivers like Amara Darboh and Jehu Chesson who will provide reliable outside targets for whomever is under center. Cheson returns for his final season of eligibility (as a UM graduate student) after earning first-team All Big Ten honors and being named the team’s MVP after leading Big Blue in TDs last season (12 total – 9 receiving, 2 rushing and 1 kick return). This St. Louis product is the best thing to come out of the Gateway City since Pappy's starting making his ribs in 2008 … I know, it’s no Freddy’s Joint, but it’s real and it’s killer.
Speaking of our second-favorite current-day political drama, I caught up on House of Cards Season 4 in the off-season. I remain troubled, fascinated and absolutely fucking glued to the escapades of Frank and Claire . These two bring more evil to the party than Dr. Evil and Keyser Soze combined (I’m so overdue for another Usual Suspects viewing – Kevin Spacey’s portrayl of Verbal Kint takes me in anytime I come across it while flipping hotel-room channels) and therefore make for great TV.
As for our favorite current-day political drama, America’s Shit Salad Fuckstravaganza 2016, let's just say that John Oliver is the best thing to happen to us since the departure of that other late-night Jon we came to know and love – unfortunately, the British bloke is but once a week and it seems like he spends more time “on holiday” than anyone I know … but if you’re not a regular for this amazing perspective on life in today’s chaotic world, best you jump in now, as it should make election season (sorry, America’s 3-D Imax Shit-fit Dumpster Fire 2016) that much more entertaining).
My off-season also included catching up on Silicon Valley (the best comedy on any screen right now) and Ray Donovan , the dark version of Entourage with off-the-charts writing, acting and story-telling (btw, R.I.P. Entourage – the movie was more difficult to watch than Olympic gymnastics gone awry, but the TV show was legit and those of us who roll on the tough streets of LA’s Westside miss the familiarity and its attendant ridiculousness that is life in LaLaLand). And, oh yeah, I got acquainted with the likes of Transparent, Broad City and Odd Mom Out (the women’s version of Entourage, but set on the Upper East Side … honestly, it’s fucking gross, and the extreme attitudes of Brooke and her gang regularly make me want to throw up in my mouth … but watching the vonWebers in action is like watching a good car chase … sickly entertaining and hard to turn off … plus, it kinda feels good to see a place that looks even more twisted than my own backyard).
And I know, I need to dip my toe into Stranger Things, The Night Of, Game of Thrones (GASP, I know … I’m not in … leave me alone) and I’m sure so many others … so much material, so little time … the struggle is real. Stay tuned for updates on all as we follow Big Blue’s ascent through the college-football ranks this season.
I digress … where were we? Right … the offensive firepower in Ann Arbor, particularly those who catch passes. And that takes us to Sr. Tight End Jake Butt, who passed up the NFL draft to return for one more season of Pizza House.
We all like Big Butts and we cannot lie (ah, the good old days of Must See TV) – we’re looking forward to seeing him back in the Maize and Blue stretch pants making plays downfield. Body by Jake is just the 6th UM TE to accumulate 1,000+ career yards … he’s special insofar as tight ends are concerned -- #88 will be a big asset to Team 137.
The O-Line also returns mostly intact, with Mason Cole, Erik Magnuson and Kyle Kalis anchoring a group that will need to protect its house with a new QB taking the reigns. But it’s a group that has embraced Coach Jimbo’s physical approach to the game, and it’s going to be a stronger presence this year, which should enable the backs to find and exploit holes and the passing game to take advantage of tightening defensive fronts all season long.
This Michigan offense includes a handful of high-octane, high-impact all-stars at various spots on the field … with some solid and steady QB play (harken back to the original #4), Big Blue should put up points and frustrate opposing defenses.
The Michigan Defense
The Michigan defense is among the best in the country and should be a trustworthy group all season. Last year’s unit ranked #4 nationally in total defense, and it should be even better this year notwithstanding some key losses to the big leagues.
First and foremost, Harbaugh lost his Defensive Coordinator, DJ Durkin, who took over as the Maryland Head Coach. But he replaced him with Don Brown, who was Defensive Coordinator for last season’s #1 overall defense at Boston College. He’s an aggressive blitzer who can get a bit carried away, which of course is why Harbaugh likes him. And he’s got a combination of strong-ass assets and some serious holes to fill.
Yes, he’s needs to replace all three starting Linebackers… that’s the bad news. The good news is that he’s got two four-star Frosh LBs on his roster in Devin Bush and Carlo Kemp AND Seniors Ben Gedeon and Mike McCray as veteran anchors with big-game experience. Denying the need to fill some key holes would be more foolishly ignorant than The Donald’s take on how to eat NY pizza. … only a a drunk retard would profess such denial. But I’m also a realist … we’ve got a stacked pantry of deployable delights ready to keep the mission on course ... and I’m not worried about the Big Blue D.
The Defensive Line lost two studs in Willie Henry and Royce Jenkins-Stone, but it’s deep and solid notwithstanding. Chris Wormely, Ryan Glasgow and Taco Charlton anchor the group, with true-frosh number-one national recruit Rashan Gary likely to see time right away.
And then there’s Jabrill .... and that’s all you have to say around college-football circles. Junior Jabrill Peppers is one of the all-around studs of college gridiron this year. He moved from Safety to Linebacker in the off-season, but let’s be honest, we’ll see Jabrill in play more positions than Trump’s immigration policy. SI’s Andy Staples call him a Swiss Army Man– the kind of versatile player who can play anywhere and make opponents question everything. Corner … safety … kick/punt-returner … wildcat QB … fucking waterboy?! This kid does it all and probably will this season – he’s a modern-day Charles Woodson, and we’ll be watching the making of something special every time he’s in the play.
And then there is All-American cornerback Jourdan Lewis (without doubt a first-round pick in next year’s draft who’s dominant on the perimeter), who complements Peppers’ flexibility in and around the defensive backfield and results in a bad-ass one-two punch. This unit was the nation’s stingiest secondary last year (5.4 yards-passing against, No. 1 in the FBS) and it’s ready to ride again.
Coach Jimbo is deep across the board this year … and his khakis now are comfortable at The Big House. This season’s college-football storyline will focus around apparent parity and the lack of a dominant force around the country: there are a handful of really good teams, and it’s going to be fun to watch.
And by the way, our guy knows what it takes to win … he usually goes about 15 yards farther each and every week and that’s why Michigan is back … all hail the return of the Block M. It’s going to be tough to beat Michigan this year, but twelve teams will try, starting with the Hawaii Rainbow Warriors Saturday at The Big House.
Michigan v. Hawaii – Team 137’s Season Opener
The Hawaii football team arrives in Ann Arbor a hot mess of a 2015 campaign. The Rainbow Warriors went 3-10 overall last season (0-8 in the Mountain West Conference) and got pissed on by the likes of UC Davis and Nevada.
Yeah, I’m with you … Scoop of Chocolate, Scoop of Vanilla … Don’t Waste My Time. But tune-ups are important, and this is no exception. And let’s not be rude, as Hawaii certainly has a lot to offer … ok, maybe not the football program, but as a vacation destination those of us on the Good Coast know how superior it is to the likes of Florida – the weather is always great, the people know how to drive, the beaches are beautiful and the average age anywhere you go isn’t 70. I know, those on the East Coast think Florida is mecca … and it is if you’re looking for the ideal place for aging crumudgeony Jews to retire and happily dwindle away in a sea of kreplach soup … but if you’re looking for fun in the sun, check out the Big Island or Kauai … just ask Peter Griffin from The Family Guy.
As for the college-football team in Honolulu, Rainbow Warrior Chief Paka Paka Sr. QB Ikaika Woolsey will lead the island boys as they take the Big House field Saturday afternoon in search of a miracle a la Appalachin State … I know, all kinda bad is supposed to happen to anyone who dare say his name, but this isn’t Volde …. uh, sorry, can’t do it). But it’s not gonna happen this Saturday … sorry, Dancing Rainbows … really? I mean, if we’re going to dance anywhere near a football field, we’re going with Wildcats, .. that’s right, OG-style … this collegiate panahoi-lani-kapa’u crap is unnecessary.
Michigan enters the game skilled, focused and hungry … a program on the rise with the possibility of greatness in Year 2. The boys are ready and the schematics are drawn. A rainbow shines on The Big House this weekend, and no, it didn’t come from Honolulu. It’s got deep roots in Ann Arbor.
Who’s got it better than us? Nobody.
The early prediction is now in … Michigan 45 – Hawaii 7
Go Blue!
